


Nightmare

by MerlinOfTheShire



Series: Adventures With Bucky [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Best Friends, Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Cuddling & Snuggling, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers really cares, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 20:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18645196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerlinOfTheShire/pseuds/MerlinOfTheShire
Summary: The memories of Bucky’s time with Hydra torment his sleep, and Steve just wants to help.Will Bucky let him?





	Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the plot of this story
> 
> A/N 
> 
> I believe that PTSD or any other form of mental illness should not be romanticised or treated as something that can be recovered from easily with a simple hug. So I would like to express how considering this is a one shot it does not capture the full story, but a glimpse :)
> 
> Also, this an updated version of the story I wrote in 2014, which I posted on fanfic.net under the same username.
> 
> Can be viewed as slash or just friendship.

Sometimes Bucky wouldn't return to Steve's apartment for days, sometimes weeks, but one way or another he always wound up back on his doorstep. Or not. Sometimes he just came from the window. Steve never heard him anyway, and sometimes wouldn't see him either. He knew Steve was aware of his comings and goings, because there was always a waiting sandwich and glass of water to be found on the kitchen counter whenever he returned. Sometimes he actually did let Steve know he was there, if he intended to stay for a little longer than a few hours; he usually took the door on those occasions.  

He had also started to become aware, that every time he did in fact stay, he stayed a little longer than the last. 

The apartment had begun to feel safe, a base he could return to. It was almost more than that, really, but he wasn't ready to call it home. 

Steve was the one that was beginning to feel like home.

So, he stayed, sometimes for as long as three or four days. Tonight would be the first time he had stayed longer than that. Something always drove him to leave. Fear, a memory, or anything really. Sometimes he just didn't want Steve to know about his nightmares. The memories that haunted his sleep. On nights when he simply couldn't bring himself to leave, he would jolt awake and muffle his own cries in his pillow, not wanting to bother or upset Steve. If he didn't leave after that, he would spend the rest of night awake. Just thinking; wondering why Steve ever would want to help him. Sometimes he just tried to figure out who he was. Was he Bucky? Which Bucky? The one from his stolen memories that Steve knew, or the one from his tormented dreams. 

Maybe he was someone separate entirely.  

  

* * *

 

Steve knew about Buck's nightmares.

At first, he hadn't noticed. Bucky never stayed long enough for him too. Usually, Bucky would fall asleep at his place, but by the time he woke up, Buck was already gone. Sometimes Steve didn't see him at all. Then Bucky had begun to stay a little longer, sometimes a day or two, and Steve didn't need to be a genius to notice his own symptoms mirrored on his friends face. Buck's eyes were often tired and surrounded by black rings, his face empty and void. He more often than not looked like he was still living whatever he saw in his dreams.  

Yet, Bucky hadn't told him, and Steve didn't want to push, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to do anything to help. 

He did his best to make Bucky comfortable. He gave him the warmest room, made sure they didn't eat or drink anything that might encourage nightmares. Sam had told him about that, how certain foods and liquids could either promote or decrease your chances of having a nightmare. Sam told him a lot of things like that, and he hadn't been wrong yet. He may or may not have attempted to put a hint of lavender in the room Buck usually stayed in. Before they went to bed, Steve would try and steer some talk towards any good memories that Buck mentioned. Sometimes he just offered to go for a walk around the block, or in a park. 

The nightmares still persisted, and with nothing having had any effects, he had decided that the only thing left to do was what they had always done when one of them had a nightmare. Provide whatever comfort they could. 

If Bucky let him, that is. 

And if he did, Steve was damn well sure that he was going to be there.

One night, when Steve saw all the signs, he had rested against Buck's bedroom door now, listening for any sound that might indicate distress. 

Sometime early that morning, that sound eventually came. It couldn't have been more than a whimper, but it was enough. As calmly as he could, he had gotten up and opened the door, stepping in quietly, but not so much that it would seem like he was trying to go unheard. His eyes had landed on Bucky, who was curled up tightly on the bed, his face pressed into a pillow as he cried. 

After that, Steve made sure he was listening and watching extra carefully, and always had a warm cup of tea ready to be made in case Bucky found himself stuck in a memory. For that was they were, not dreams, but memories.  

Bucky was also showing that he felt more comfortable going to him after a nightmare, or sometimes just when he thought they might come. He always apologies profusely, still set on his belief that he was a bother, or upset him in some way. He did his best to reassure him otherwise. 

Some nights though, the really bad ones, Bucky would wake up not knowing where he was or who he was. He would panic, and once or twice Steve had woken up with a knife to his throat before Bucky came back to himself. He never got angry at Bucky for it, but Bucky would always disappear after that, not returning for sometimes weeks. When he did, he always seemed a little far away, like he believed that he was going to be thrown out of the house or put in chains.

Those days were always the hardest for both of them, but they were growing slowly fewer and far between. 

He just hoped that Bucky's nightmares would too. 

 

* * *

 

Steve woke from his sleep with a panicked jolt, his whole body growing stiff.  Something cold and strong was tightening around his neck. Something metal. _Bucky._ He forced his eyes open so he could look up his friend. His brown eyes were cold and glassy, glued on him like he was in a trance. "Bucky..." he rasped, his lungs aching from the effort. He felt like there were going to burst inside him. "Bucky please…you know me,"  he whispered, placing a hand on Buck's right arm. He did his best to keep calm. This had happened before; he knew what to do. 

The hand around his neck neither tightened nor loosened.

"You're my mission," Bucky growled, those his eyes were beginning to focus. The hand around his neck loosened.

Almost there. "Bucky, It's okay. I'm with you buddy, just come back to me." He said the words like a mantra, looking deep into his friend's wide eyes, "come back to me."

The fog in Bucky's eyes was gone now. "Steve..." he whispered, blinking. 

Steve prepared himself for he knew was about to come. 

No later then he did, a look of realisation and horror overcame his friends face. Bucky let out a small cry of alarm, jerking his hand away and releasing his neck. Carefully, Steve sat upright, letting air return to his lungs. He did his best to make eye contact with his friend, who was now backed away on the floor. "Your safe Buck, you're here with me. It's alright," he whispered, trying not to let on how hard it was to speak.

Bucky shook his head, eyes wide as he backed away "No …no it's not alright, Steve. I hurt you again," he said quietly, falling back on himself against the wall.

This was new. Usually Buck would have already fled by now. Carefully, he got down onto the floor. Bucky still didn't move. "You didn't mean to Buck," he assured, "I know you didn't." He shuffled a little closer, but it was enough to make Bucky curl in on himself.

"Stay away!" Bucky warned, pressing his metal arm against his stomach, holding his right over it tightly. "I'm dangerous right now."

"Do you want to hurt me?" Steve asked gently.

Bucky bit his lip to stop it from trembling. "No. I'd never want..." Bucky trailed off,  dropping his head onto his knees, a soft sniffling sound accompanying his shaking shoulders. "Please don't make me forget," he pleaded. "I'm sorry. I don't want to forget anymore, Steve."

Steve was certain he could feel his heart shattering. "Bucky..." he whispered over the lump in his throat. Wanting to comfort his friend, to reassure him that what he feared would never happen, he moved to draw closer.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Bucky roared.

"Bucky," he pleaded, raising his hands to show he meant no harm. Once again he found himself looking deep into this friends eyes. "Bucky, please listen to me when I say this. I will never, _never_ make you forget anything. If someone ever tries to, they will have me to answer too."

"You're lying!" Bucky yelled, slammed his metal fist into the ground, "just like all the others!" 

Drawing a deep breath, Steve reached for a blanket from the end of the bed. He needed to calm things down. "Bucky I wouldn't lie about something like that; I wouldn't do that to you," he promised. Bucky eyes him nervously, but otherwise made no reaction, so Steve sat there for a momment, just letting them both breath. Things hadn't escalated like this before. 

"Bucky is it ok if I come closer?" he asked, after a while.

Bucky looked at him carefully for a momment, before nodding.

Slowly, Steve moved closer so he could sit near his friend.

"That's what everyone said you know," Bucky whispered, after a momment, "that they wouldn't let that happen to me. Then they made me forget if I did something wrong. If I remembered something." Bucky was looking at now, a broken look in his eyes. "They hurt me so much, Steve... " He let out a strangled sob, looking away, tears falling onto the carpet.

Steve felt himself break. "Come here, Buck," he said through the lump in his throat, opening his arm in offering. Slowly, Bucky moved over to his side, breathing heavily through his tears. Steve tightened his arm around his friend, and not a momment later Bucky moved to bury his head into his chest. Gently, Steve pulled the blanket over them both, wrapping his arms around Bucky comfortingly.

"You're safe now Buck, I've got you," he ran a hand through his friend's hair comfortingly, "I always will."

Bucky's sobs subsided for a momment, "til the end of the line?"

Steve let out a small smile and rested his chin on Buck's head. "Till the end of the line," he confirmed.

They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other. Do you want to talk about it?" Steve asked eventually when he felt Buck's breathing grow even. 

"No, I just want to sleep," Bucky said tiredly.

He nodded, understanding. Gently, he began running his hand in circles along Bucky's back, a hand still in his hair. He knew Bucky was still associating contact with pain, so he always tried to make sure he was always gentle, and never made any sudden movements around Bucky. Sometimes his need to comfort his friend got the better of him.

Still, Bucky relaxed into his touch. "Thank you," he whispered, voice tired. 

So that's how they stayed; until the first rays of sunlight shone through the window, signalling the break of dawn.

* * *

Once Bucky woke, one of Steve's arms was still around him and the blanket still draped over them. He felt Steve once again rest his chin on top of his head, pulling the blanket tighter around them. "Love you, Buck," he whispered softly. 

Bucky knew Steve thought he was asleep, but he couldn't help melting into Steve's soft touch, a warm smile on his face. 


End file.
